Why does love even exist?

dr gary davis, clueless, christian, relationships, love, purpose Try to imagine your world without love? Hard to do, isn’t it. Most of us have been wounded in a relationship. It hurt. Some of us have lost a husband, a wife, or a child. That pain is unbearable; a gut-wrenching vacuum that nothing can fill. If you have God in your life you have a great resource for strength & solace; if not…, how do you ever deal with the agony?!?

Back to my original question— Why does love even exist? Frankly, love is something we all take for granted. It’s just part of the fabric of life. But for some of us love is rather close to an impossibility. Either we’ve lost the ability to love from some past experience, or we are simply incapable of loving or accepting love. We fear love for…, whatever reason. So we always have our guard up, protecting our hearts.

Scientists have concluded that love is an inner chemical response to some external stimulus. Really! So why do we love some people and not others? And why do we not loveeverybody? Equally? Some other species on this planet form what appears to be a lovingfamily entity. Is it? And, unlike humans, they commit for life. Humm.

Evolutionists will insist that love, even if only an internal chemical reaction, is there for the preservation of our species. That doesn’t ring true for me. Love exists for so much more than that. It’s what binds people together; it is the bond of trust, comradery, brotherhood, friendship, parenting, caring for the dying, sticking with someone through thick and thin, remaining faithful.

The evolutionary theory has it all wrong. Love is a gift from our Creator. It fulfills us as human beings. It brings joy at the end of sorrow, peace after suffering, release in finality. It brings elation at that first kiss, and the second, the third…, lalalala. Love exists to force us to define boundaries that are appropriate to the nature of the relationship we hold with each other person, or people, or nation. Love is an inner ethereal reach for meaning and connection to something, someone, outside of ourselves. It is Devine and human at the same time. A “chemical response” can no more define the reason love exists than a bumble bee could describe the Universe.

Love exists, simply, for us. It was built into our beings at the beginning. Period. Please, argue with me.

NEXT DISCUSSION: How does love affect us?

Love rocks!

Gary

Learning to Love-Introduction

There’s really nothing quite like being in love, is there? Being loved, and loving, builds us in ways that nothing else can.

We live in a culture where love has been lifted up to the highest pinnacle of experience…, and then we complicate it with sex, romance, and shattered relationships. We’ve lost something— a depth of love and any ability to love another selflessly. It’s always about me. Genuine love should be about the other.

We need to learn to love again— with a rich love, a deep love. I’m not talking simply about romantic love…, but a love that is empowering— for our wives, husbands, our parents, our children, neighbors, and our workmates.

Love cannot be merely a word or a feeling: it must be an attitude toward living, an underlying approach to everyone around us. Only then will we begin to grasp the wild stability found in selfless love.

So if you’ve been hurt by love, or simply forgotten how to love, I invite you to join me over the next 6-7 weeks in this discussion about love. Invite your friends into the discussion too. Great fun lies ahead.

~ Dr. Gary Davis

[ALL OF THE STARS, Ed Sheeran— https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkqVm5aiC28 ]

Some of the facets of love we will be discussing are—

Learning Love. What are the different kinds of love? Why does love even exist? To what extent does loving and being loved affect our lives? And what are the effects of NOT being loved, or NOT loving other people.
Love Games. What are they? Why do we play them? What do they do to our relationships?
Your Personality and Love. Your individual personality has a lot to do with your interactions with other people. It influences how and who you love too.
Love Hurts. Surprise! Giving love that expects nothing in return can lead to deep wounds. How do I recover from them? Giving love expecting something in return is even more dangerous. How are we to recover from love’s life discouragements? Learning to love again is one of the most difficult challenges we will ever face.
Trust. Loving anyone involves a measure of trust that lets go of personal protection and says My life is in your hands. How do we learn to “trust?” What are the ingredients of trust?

More issues will probably arise as we move through our discussion. There’s no right or wrong here; only open, honest options for us to knock around.

Let’s make love an action verb,

Gary

The (real)First Step

The first step in bringing people to faith in Christ is to get to know them. BUT before that, we need to understand how they see is. One of the ways I find out what people think about us it to ask them.

Here’s a video of just such conversations.

So when you leave your computer/phone, immerse yourself in the lives of your friends and workmates. Start by ASKING questions like:

1.What do you enjoy most about your life?

2. What is the most fun thing you’ve ever done?

3. What was it like growing up?

4. What has been your experience with Christianity, good and bad?

5. Describe your religious beliefs now. What does your spirituality offer you that Christianity does not?

6. To what extent do your beliefs influence your decisions and life motivations?

7.What problems do you have with the Church and/or Christianity?

8. How do you feel when a Christian tries to convert you?

9.How would you like Christians to treat you?

10. If you could change anything about the church, christians or Christianity what would you change?

11. How do you know that you are loved by someone?

Then after you have won the right to be heard, (maybe months or even years later) tell them about the God who created them, who loves them and who wants to give them everything He has to offer. Tell them about the God who offers his forgiveness to them for all the times they dishonored him. Tell them about the God who wants to make them WHOLE persons again.

winning

First they ignore you,

then they laugh at you,

then they fight you,

then you win.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

1869 – 1948

I’ve never won much in life. Well, that is, if you consider, kewpie-dolls at the county fair, the first prize in a match-box car race, or a Monopoly game, or certain sports events worth winning; I just don’t seem to be cut out for winning: not, at least, at this level. I’d rather put my time and energy into winning the battle for the souls of men & women, for justice, for clearer communication between peoples who don’t even want to talk with each other, let alone consider loving each other. I’d like to bring peace where there is very little of it: that’s worth winning.

Winning is different for everybody. For some of us, every human exchange is a competitive event: someone has to win, someone has to lose. These people play their game with every ounce of their strength and will power (in sports, business, simple conversations, or relationships) to win. For three years during college I was on our Debate Team; I never lost even one debate. As I grew in life, after college, a couple graduate programs, & a doctorate, I had to learn how NOT to win. Why? Because I lost too many relationships always trying to win, to be right, to wind up Number ONE. It wasn’t worth it to me.

When our children were in their formative years I used to tell them— If you put yourself on Top, there’s only one direction you can go. If you put yourself on the Bottom, there’s only one direction you can go. ‘Nough said.

So, my question to you is this— What’s worth winning? Is it scoring that winning point in a game? Being summa cum laude at graduation? Becoming Senior Vice-President by age thirty? Or simply driving the coolest car? To be sure there are some things in life worth winning; and, there are some things in life not really worth fighting for. We all need to pick our battles carefully. C a r e f u l l y.

For me, I just want to make a difference in this world before I check out. How about you?

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Ripples

Remember sitting on a summer beach letting the water roll in— letting it wash over you in its salty brine? Did your eyes follow the surf as its ripples returned to the sea in currents and eddies? Never the same twice, but always the same ripples…, returning to the sea.

I often ponder the similarities between those ocean ripples and the effects I might have on another person. How do the ripples of my life choices affect the currents, the ebb and flow of the lives I touch? Hopefully, the way I live and relate with others builds them in their lives; hopefully, their lives start to reflect some of the same ripples that have trickled through my life.

For I am the result of countless friends, mentors, critiques, counselors, and even enemies. I have not been one to swim under the ripples that pushed toward me; rather, I have learned to flow with them, for a while, until I learn whatever lesson is carried by that ripple.

That being said, it must also be added that sometimes those ripples had to build to the level of a tsunami for me to ride along with it. We all fight the tides of life that threaten us, that want to push us off our course, and I was no exception. Now…, not so much. This has probably come from being churned up in the surf far too many times.

Whatever stage of life wherein you find yourself, whatever dire or laudable circumstance, you are making ripples for everyone you know. What kinds of ripples are you leaving in your wake? Do they buoy up a person, or just about drown them? Does your family enjoy and respect you, or fear your return from work? Do your employees see you as a hard task-master or someone who empowers them to greater performance and joyful sacrifice? As you meet passersby do you smile at them, or appear stern and even threatening?

You need to know the kinds of effects you have on the people that surround you. Is it building and uplifting, giving them the thrill of a surfer riding the waves? Or are your ripples more like the pounding surf in a hurricane, bringing destruction wherever its waves land?

The kinds of ripples you leave in your wake are your legacy to your family, your grandchildren, your community, and to this planet. Leave good ones! For what it’s worth,

Gary

How to Give

In the spirit of this approaching Christmas season (Hanukkah was over the evening of December 5^th) it might be a good time to be reminded of some of the principles of giving. Keep in mind that giving should be meaningful, both for the giver and the receiver. Never give out of rote: give because it is right and good. Ergo—

How to Give—a Seven Point Primer

Give because it is right. No matter what your definition of right is, giving cannot be construed as anything else. It is not a bribe, a peace-offering, or a one-upmanship on the receiver. It must simply be simply right, nothing else.
Give within your means—with some wee bit of sacrifice. It may never be noticed by the other person. That does not matter. It will secretly mean much much more to you.
Give in terms of the other person’s wants and needs, NOT in terms of what you would like to give them. When my wife and I were first married I would always give her clothing; she could have cared less. Didn’t even take the blouse or scarf out of the box. Then I noticed she loved to read: so I gave her books. Guess what? She hugged & kissed me and vanished for three days reading the new book. I learned to give in terms of what she wanted.
Plan for giving. Always try to squirrel away cash-in-a-stash for later giving. It’s freeing! Giving up 2 cups of coffee a week could free up $20 a month. Get the picture?
Get into the practice of giving. Christmas won’t be such a big thing if you already give to others regularly.
Give graciously. Not lavishly, unless if seems appropriate to you. There is little in this life that expresses genuine love like sacrificial graciousness.
Accept ALL gifts with thankfulness and humility. The one giving them has sacrificed for you. Especially be thankful for hand-made gifts, no matter the quality. They are the most precious of all.

Above all, be thankful that you have the means to give anything at all. Not all people on this planet have the resources to give very much. So, if you are one who does, please do not hold back. And always remember the poor in your giving. God does. Please.

Merry Christmas,

Gary

longing

Throughout our lives we pursue things that we hope will give us fulfillment, happiness. Too many believe that happiness comes through acquiring money when, actually, it merely eliminates a fear of poverty. Some find “the ultimate rush” in sex, alcohol, drugs. Others look for their significant other, in hopes that they will find their own soul in relationships. Expectations in relationships can be disappointing. Some find meaning in status, success in business, music, design, or theatre.

Yet, underlying all of these pursuits is something deeper— longing. British author C. S Lewis once wrote, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” Quite a point to ponder.

Disappointment can be a major catalyst, igniting our deepest inner longing. Not the trivial regrets we feel when we realize the frivolity of some things. Rather those depth-of-soul longings for something more, something deeper, solid, and incorruptible. We want a security found in the bedrock of all being as the sanctuary for our lives.

In recent times, the value of soul, of a single life, has been so diminished that those of us who remain barely react to the loss. The Evening News has dulled our senses. Yet we are vessels without a rudder when a death comes near. It shakes us. We have no emotional or spiritual mechanisms to cope with this new, final reality. Thus do we float on a vacuous sea of fog, with no rudder or compass to set us back on course. For me, this has always seemed a forlorn loss of deeper resolution.

I, too, have this deep longing. Yet I know that, someday, it will be utterly fulfilled in a restoration of my soul with the God who made me, and made us all. Is this a naive fantasy to which I cling? I think not! There are too many compiled coincidences in my life for this longing to go unsatisfied. Although, it may be in another world, most likely, I do have such great expectations to anticipate in my future. How about you?

Have a nice week,

Gary

distant intimacy

Over the past 20 years we’ve developed a kind of barrier that allows people in, and keeps them out at the same time. We want to have friends, but not too many close friends. We want to be known, but not too known. We want to be loved, but we want to return love on our terms. We want to fully give ourselves to another, but our confidence in trustis cautious. A paucity of depth in our relationships has woven in us the threads of doubt, fear, and hesitancy. So above all else, we seek to protect our hearts from the outside world, even among those who are close to us.

This has resulted in a kind of distant intimacy between lovers, husbands & wives, siblings, and within many other relationships. We’ve grown careful with how much we bare our souls with another, how much and what kinds of information we pass on, and we think twice about our degree of openness with others. This blocks uncluttered communication and further damages the nurturing of any safety we might desire. Even the excitement of a first date with someone carries some relational tentativeness into it. And long-term commitments…, well, the idea has become a rarity.

Broken relationships, the dissolution of our families, and life shattering events have all but relegated intimacy to short-term sexual encounters with little thought to the context for that kind of intimate connection. Thus, some reflection on moving intimacy from distant to deep—

Deep intimacy takes work: it does not just happen.

Deep intimacy takes time: it is more than a one night stand or a series of dinners out.
Deep intimacy takes forgiveness: admitting you are wrong, versus pointing the finger.
Deep intimacy takes trust: putting your life into another person’s hands.
Deep intimacy takes courage: it is a risk. But, nothing ventured… .
Deep intimacy will hurt at times: that’s where you will be put to the test.
Deep intimacy will cost you— everything. Holding back leads to distant intimacy again.

So, is it worth it? The deep intimacy? Of course it is! But it cannot be possessed without giving something of yourself, with little thought to what you might, or might not, receive in return. Personally, I need God’s help to make every relationship work. You may be different, but I doubt it.

distractions

What keeps you from getting things done? For some, it is no less than life’s chronic interruptions-children crying, screaming, being teenagers. Illness. [Whoever finds the cures common cold should be knighted!] Piles of paper that needed your attention yesterday, last week…, last year. The basement, the attic, the lawn. Your relationship with your husband/wife, or parents/children. Wanting to be in a relationship: wanting to get out of one. Not enough money. Not enough time (a.k.a.- getting behind). Daydreaming. Fantasy games. Gaming…, and, of course, various addictions.

There is no end to the myriad of distractions that come assault us on a daily basis, preventing us from attending to the weightier matters of life. When I was a teenager I remember then Secretary of State Dean Rusk saying “A man without a singular over-riding purpose will waste his life doing important things.” His words have pressed upon me the critical nature of the passing of time. We all have the same amount; the question is what we do within its restrictions.

The issue here is not so much time’s management; rather, it is those things that distract us from accomplishing what we set out to do. Be sure that there will always be distractions. Some must be addressed immediately, but far fewer than we usually give in to. Pleasant distractions are the most appealing to follow. A sunny day, a simpler issue on my desk, a pleasant conversation with a co-worker. Difficult distractions-a criticism, a bodily injury, emotional turmoil, an accusation, or even a threat, are much harder to cast aside. They invade your mind and spirit and prevent you from clear, logical thinking, from being imaginative and creative, let alone being productive. These distractions dissipate soul, mind, and spirit. Some guidance-

1. Think about the distraction before you act. But DO act.
2. Resolve it as best you can as quickly as possible.
3. Accept guilt if it is warranted; seek reconciliation.
4. Leave accusation to the defense of God and others.
5.

No…, wait. This is not about some logical/rational, practical series of steps to get back on track. This is a matter of the heart. If you are passionate about something, someone, your heart will drive you to commit the greater part of your energies to it. Distractions are anything that dissuades you from your passion. Distinguish them from responsibilities. Responsibilities must be part of your passion. Passion is often mistaken for what you want to do. To be sure it IS what you desire; but desire’s context is duty. DO what must be DONE: it is a indispensable component of passion. Distraction decreases with fewer variables on the table.

Oh yes, one more thing. Honor God; honor people: make a difference.

Have a nice week,

Gary

retro-futurism

EmPulse for Week of March 8, 2010

retro-futurism

Remember the ‘60s with images of flying cars, jet-packs, and Buck Rogers? OK, remember Woodstock? OK, how about Ronald Reagan’s “In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problems; government is the problem.”, George H W Bush’s “a thousand points of light in a broad and peaceful sky?” The Doors, Motley Cru, the Beatles, Sting, Cindy Lauper, Madonna? (Forget the Chad Mitchell Trio, Peter, Paul & Mary, the Everly Brothers, & Elvis…, OK, maybe not Elvis.) We might remember “Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what you can do for your country.” (JFK). Although I prefer Reagan’s description of the most terrifying words in the English language— “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.” (SEC Speech— Remarks before the Investment Advisor Association.) And there are few who do not recall exactly what they were doing on 09/11/01.

Some of us learn from the past. It is very wise to learn from the past. “If we do not learn from history we are bound to repeat her mistakes.” Obviously, we have not quite learned our lessons; we assume continuous change when what is upon us is discontinuous change. The shape of war has changed: the philosophy of cars, unfortunately, has not. The idea of relationships is changing: for example, we believe that the divorce rate is declining, when, in fact, people just aren’t bothering with marriage. Go figure. We need to learn from the patterns of history in order to prepare the formats of our future.

Sadly though, other people return to the past to be safe. The “good ‘ol days,” “apple pie, mom, & sittin’ on the porch.” The reality is more like a bunch of good ‘ol boys with some really bad memory. If we look at any era of history, ANY era, it wasn’t all that good. Check out Time Tables of History. Look up any era, or year. At any given moment some part of our world was at war with another part, some natural disaster was taking place, or some catastrophe was befalling someone. Seeking safety in the past is not only a bad idea, it is a delusion. It is one thing to decorate your home in an early American motif: it is quite another to re-institute societal mores and institutional traditions & practices merely to project a veneer that things are still the same, that you are still safe in the shelter of a former time. But you are not safe—you are living in a fabricated reality that will come crashing down around you with little mercy.

Thus are we forced to face an uncertain future of discontinuous change, encountering situations that have no previous precedent, with little history to draw upon for discernment or direction in

making a decision. Flying cars never quite made it, speeding mono-rails are just breaking into our main-stream, and, thankfully, jet-packs have yet to burn the feet off of anyone. But we do have cell phones, the WorldWideWeb, with access to information never before imagined, heart replacements, artificial limbs, a Black President, and teenage babysitters instead of nannies (granted, charging $10.50 an hour). With change upon us, do we have any other option but to adapt, attack the difficulties, and advance to claim the ground for the betterment of society?

So let me leave you with some questions—

Where do you need to give up some old delusions and adapt to some new realities?
What scares you the most about our future? Where can you get help to face the foundations of those fears?
What would it take for YOU to make a difference in the world that is upon us?

Don’t you just hate emPulse sometimes!?!

Have a nice week.

Gary

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