Beyond being in control

Staying in control is probably the #1 value of most people in Western Society. Being out of control is scary; it is always lurking just below the surface of our consciousness. Personal security, personal independence, and personal significance are our TOP priorities (after food and shelter.) We have this innate fear of being out-of-control.

Some people take it too far; becoming micro-managers at work and a home. They must be hands-on and on-top of everything. If this attitude becomes embedded in a person’s psyche it creates issues of trust and insecurity. Even close friends do not want to be around them. Sometimes, it causes people to hide their true selves from those outside and to cocoon within a private world of fantasy or fear. This is not good for the soul.

However, there is another path to be taken for those who draw their strength and define their identity from somewhere beyond this present realm. It is for those who have decided that being in-control isn’t as safe and secure as they once thought. It is for those who are tired of working so feverishly to have power over everything around them. It is for those who are ready to let go.

Moving beyond being in control is frightening and terrifying. It means that you are consciously removing yourself from the button, the control switch, from being the central figure around whom all others must revolve. You must become such a person who will put your faith, your trust, in others, and, quite frankly, in God.

Why is it that we rise to our point of success in life, only to find a ceiling of doubt and emptiness at the top? The reason is that we were not meant to climb this ladder in isolation, as individuals; we were designed to do it in relationships: first, in relationships with those around us, and second, in relationship with the God who made us. This is not rocket-surgery; it is an obvious observance.

We must move beyond being in control to trust, to delegation, both of responsibility and authority, and to letting go. [Listen— Paul Cardall. Letting Go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUONnfHb7a8 ]. It is in letting go of control that we lose our tightness, our fears, our need for dominance, and put on the cloak of grace.

If you truly want to lead, then you must move beyond being in control and learn to let go.

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Depression

Depression is a silent killer. You don’t even have to die to experience its death. You live the death just under your skin, suffocating your soul, 24/7. It is an insidious infection that never lets up.

Sure, you have moments of elation, rest, momentary peacefulness, or escape. I’ve struggled with it for years. When I first married, my new bride would describe me as morbidly introspective. Nice.

Yet on the surface I was upbeat, forward looking, powerful, and optimistic. Underneath, I always wondered if I measured up to peoples’ expectations. I was sure I didn’t.

So I performed better. And better. And… tried harder and harder… .

Robin Williams recent suicide brought it all back to me—the acting, the humor, the insecurity-amidst-confidence; and especially the fear of being known. I even wrote an article on it.

What drives such a successful man to draw an end to his life? In a word— despair. Def.- The conclusion that life holds no more for you. That managing life is now beyond your ability and/or desire. During my journey as a counselor three individuals have committed suicide under my care; one, premeditated, the other two, on the spur of the moment. I’ve always wondered if I could have prevented these needless deaths. My depression spiraled downward to the deepest depths.

If you could have walked through Robin Williams’ depression with him, what would you have said? What hope would you have offered? What reason to continue living? What great purpose would have fulfilled his life? Certainly his success as an actor and comedian did not bring him the fulfillment he so desperately hungered for.

Many fellow Christians might have offered him the reasons he sought in a relationship with Jesus Christ. But do you realize how strange that could have sounded to someone who had no hope, who sat outside the perimeters of God’s protection? It would have sounded farcical.

So many of us, Christians and normal people alike, place our hope in our personal security, our financial stability, and in our own abilities and self-confidence. I don’t think this is enough.

There is a great deal to be said for reestablishing a relationship with the God who made us. And for cleaning out the garbage of our lives. And for clearing the air with our friends.

I grieve Robin Williams death. He left us, unnecessarily, too soon.

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Lake Reflections

The 1979 play On Golden Pond, written by Ernest Thompson, was a call for us to consider the rifts that develop within families and between generations. Henry Fonda, Jane Fonda, and Katherine Hepburn portray a family whose love for one another has been long lost. Together at the lake it is testy, at best; at other times, combative. Slightly hopeful.

Lakes can be places of renewal or, as in On Golden Pond, seething tension. It’s all up to the people gathered.

Lakes have always brought out my pensive side. My musings run from how to kill those jet-skiers disturbing my peace to the journey of life, brought on by a family of loons sounding their call. I like to think a lot at a lake: I like to write a lot at a lake, as I am doing now. Lakes draw my soul to the surface and direct my words to wander through the pages of my life.

Some of the pages record surprising “Ah-Ha!” moments; other pages, forlorn endings. In recent days I’ve written new pages within the books and articles I enjoy creating so much; other pages record new chapters of my own journey. It takes time to realize that all chapters do end, only to lay the groundwork for ensuing chapters.

Taking breaks from writing, I enjoy sailing. Sailing on a lake is invigorating! The wind pushes the boat along as it also moves the heart to soar. But today we missed the wind, sitting dead-calm on the surface. Maybe tomorrow. [Although sitting dead-calm, waiting for the wind to move, brings sailors together, uniting them in comradery, birthing new ideas.] Personally, I prefer cutting through the waves at a 60 list. More chance for error—but oh, the exhilaration!

Evenings carry the laughter around a fire-pit, where friend’s burn hamburger and chicken alike; not to mention charred buns and overcooked S’mores as the moon replaces the sun.

Finally, the exhilaration of the day gives way to closing thoughts and the body’s exhaustion. Just a bit more, writing, more pondering…, at least until the mind ceases to function.

It’s good to have friends with lakehouses who offer them to others for rest, refreshment, and rejuvenation. Find one. Then, maybe you’ll find your soul again. Like I do— every year.

And thank you, dear friends, for lakehouses and so much more.

Gary

Four-Buck Bourbon

First, a disclaimer— I am not a Bourbon drinker, let alone a connoisseur. But when a friend of mine told me he had bought a $4 bourbon, I assumed he meant a glass of the stuff. He did not. He meant the whole bottle. For four bucks! That’s $4.00! Four ounces of STP Gas Treatment costs about the same— by comparison. Octane Boost is $7.50.

But this was an entire bottle of Bourbon for $4.00. My interest was piqued! So I turned to the Internet to discover what could possibly be that cheap. After perusing a few sites it seemed that the unanimous conclusion was a certain brand that will go unnamed because I do not want to go to jail. A number of bourbon drinkers described it as “tasting mostly like dirt.” Blended, no less. I decided sampling it was out of the question.

Thus, philosophically did I ponder— What is the purpose of Four-Buck Bourbon? I came up with these possible options—

1. To get totally plastered! Cheaply.

2. A gift for that special relative.

3. A Car-Starter on a cold winter’s morn.

4. Cheap octane-booster.

5. A De-greaser.

6. Weed-Killer.

7. Flavoring in even worse coffee.

8. Cough medicine.

9. A Molotov Cocktail.

10. Self-initiated suicide. (No reports on success rate).

More realistically, I pondered— Why would anyone buy Four-Buck Bourbon? Other than a few of the ideas above, I could only deduce two—

1. To get plastered…, again.

2. You could not afford STP Octane Boost.

These same philosophical questions arise when many of us choose what we really value. We tend to settle for group-think; what the majority believes. “I’ll have what he’s having.” We settle for the cheap instead of doing the hard work of considering the issues, the morality, the implications, the ramifications and effects on other people.

Actions DO have consequences. Make sure your actions are worth something. Don’t settle for the Four-Buck Bourbon level of contribution to the needs of our world. And if you DO drink Four-Buck Bourbon, my apologies; and my prayers.

For what it’s worth,

Gary

My Failures

Failure. “It’s taken me most of my life, but I think I have perfected FAILURE to an art form.” A great quote, isn’t it? Many of us try to hide our failures, believing that they will reveal that we are losers, incapable of finishing anything, of accomplishing anything of significance. Others have a deeply rooted fear of failure and so work themselves to death to be successful. Probably another group of us are content with being failures. It’s just too much effort to try anymore.

The choices we make in life will determine whether we are successful, marginally successful, or, well, failures. Then again, it also depends on who is defining success, failure. Being a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with your 5^th wife, with kids who don’t want to be around you is not much of a success in my book.

Speaking of my book, I would like to reveal to my more pertinacious readers some of my failures.

1. I failed in being a good dad to my kids when they were younger.

2. I failed in being a good son to my dad.

3. I failed to build the kinds of teams needed to expand the reach of NEED’s principles of communication-in-community to Christians who still do commando raids for Christ.

4. I failed in living out the holiness God has already granted me.

5. I failed in being a consistent, genuine Christian, often falling into being merely a nice one.

6. I have frequently failed in humility, seeking my own ascent in place of lifting up others.

7. I failed in resilience, settling for 2^nd best, 3^rd; or I’ve just given up, giving in to hopelessness.

8. I failed in losing my temper 8-9 times in my life. Maybe that’s not too bad?

9. I failed in admitting I was wrong too many times.

10. I failed in many relationships, disappointing people and letting them down.

There are many more areas in which I’ve failed but I must limit this confession to one page for the sake of my readers. If you want, I can tell you more things I’ve done that are really terrible. Seriously.

If I can admit the things where I have failed, maybe you can to. Some things I’ve been able to correct and received forgiveness; others, not so much. But I do not dwell here: I press on, still failing, making colossal mistakes, and watching God make use of me nonetheless.

Pass/Fail? God have mercy,

Gary

“When did doilies and your mother’s dishes become so important to you?”

It was with this question that Gandalf the Grey, Wizard of Middle Earth, challenged Bilbo Baggins of the Shire in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

Bilbo had become comfortable, complacent, uncomplicated; retired, in some senses. He had grown at ease with the life he had come to enjoy in the Shire. Everything was as it should be; everything was in its place; life moved along within predictable perimeters. Then, in one evening, his world was launched into chaos and mayhem with the arrival of Thorin Oakenshield’s band of thirteen dwarves. With dwarves and dishes flying everywhere Gandalf arrives to bring a meager sense of order to it all. It is then that the Quest to retake the ancient Kingdom begins to take shape.

It is often out of chaos and mayhem that our own lives begin to take shape. Tragedy cuts short our plans and dreams; broken trusts confound our relationships; fear grips our souls with spiritual and emotional stringency. There seems no place to go but…, actually, there just seems no place to go: we believe there is no way out of the quagmire that bogs us down in futility.

Thus do we give up.

Do not despair. There is always a way to push your way through the fray and conquer. Some suggestions, if you will—

1. Stop! Give your heart and mind time to recover from the shock.

2. Ponder. Think through your own shortcomings as well as external causes of the recent events that plunged you into this devastation.

3. Talk with wise friends; not just with drinking buddies who will commiserate with you. You need sound advice and reflection.

4. Pray for guidance from above…, especially if you do not believe in a god. There just may be one who might surprise you. Boo!

5. Do NOT watch excessive amounts of TV to escape. That will merely dull your senses and make you tired the next day.

6. If you are married, talk with your spouse about what you are experiencing. This is the one person in the world who loves you the most. Time to open up.

7. If the road ahead still seems muddled, seek professional advice. A life-coach, a professional job coach, a relationship therapist, a pastor, AA. You do not have to go this road alone.

8. Recall your own network of friends. There usually is someone there with connections.

9. Use an actual piece of paper and pencil (not pen) to clarify issues, draw connections, identify failures (your own & others), and to lay out your next steps. Do this alone first, then, with someone who knows you v-e-r-y well. BE HONEST.

10. Let it all go on a walk, a run, a basketball court, Ultimate Frisbee, or a fine dinner out. Thinking about your situation ad infinitum will drive you crazy.

I make these recommendations because I have been where you are now in life. I have known the pain, the broken trusts, the tragedies, the loss of those I love, the personal failure. You can and will get through this— for your own sake, and for those you love.

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Transparent Truth

In our present era there seem to be all kinds of truths; convenient truth, relative truth, truth, Truth, your truth, my truth…, & the list goes on. What’s true for you may not be true for me. In the realms of personal preference, in fashion, and politics, this is all well and good. But…

What about the issue of Ultimate Truth? The conclusion of many people is that there is no such thing. Truth is determined between the interplay of truth, the experience of the moment, and the individual; thus, relegating Truth, true-Truth, any truth, to the realm of relativity.

This leaves us on quite unstable ground; for there is no common understanding about what we are talking about, no shared definition of what we mean by what is true. So, what is true? Who’s to say? Truth becomes whatever is convenient for us at the moment. Liberators or invading forces? Comforter or manipulator? Scientific breakthrough or stating the obvious? A matter of perspective.

Truth, for the most part, should be obvious— staring us in the face. Maybe not so much at a cellular or galactic level; we might need some help delving into those mysteries. But TRUTH should be part of the basic human condition, existing within us, observable around us.

Truth should be, and is, transparent to the keen eye.

So how/when did we start redefining truth in our own terms? Why did we feel the need to do so? Is it simply a matter of divergent philosophies, divergent religions? Or merely personal preferences; Truth that suits my agenda, my priorities. Then is it Truth at all? Truth, just for you?

I would challenge you to examine the way you determine what is true. What is true scientifically? What is true about the origin of the universe? [The newest theory is that the universe “created” itself.] What is true about yourself? What describes you to others? What is true about God? Is there one? Can we adequately describe everything without him? Hummm.

Oddly, some of these questions will take in depth study and personal reflection; a few deep conversations over a dram of Single Malt might also help elucidate things.

Truth can arise to become more and more transparent as we seek it. It is not as clear-cut anymore to simply grasp it where it is. Over time, Truth’s transparency will become more obvious.

What do you think?

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Giving up God for Lent

We are now 6 days into the Christian season of Lent. Coming down to us through the Greek “Tessarakoste,” meaning “fortieth,” it signifies the time of Christ’s 40 days of fasting in the wilderness. For Christians, it is supposed to be a time preparation through prayer, repentance, increased giving, and self-denial for the coming of Resurrection Sunday. Following the debauchery of what Mardi Gras (French for Fat Tuesday) has become, a time of fasting and sacrifice seems quite appropriate to prepare for the remembrance of Christ’s Passion. In the late Middle Ages the word Lent (meaning Spring) replaced the longer “fortieth” recollection, melding it with the heralding of approaching Spring.

Today, nominal Christians make token gestures at giving up something, usually trivial, to signify their sacrifice for Lent. Chocolate comes to mind. We certainly would not seriously sacrifice anything that would draw us closer to Christ; let alone further from this world’s pleasures.

Here’s a suggestion— Why not give up God for Lent?!?

If you are a casual Christian, one who maybe attends church at Christmas and/or Easter, the occasional wedding or mandatory funeral, this suggestion is easily grasped. For you, the Christian life is an addendum to the one you live out on this earth. Your faith has little to do with your life. You practice a convenient-faith, one that fits your needs and your priorities. What the God of the Universe offers you seems to come at too high a cost. When He says to you, “Give me everything you have; and I will give you everything I have.” you wonder if it is a fair trade.

Now, if you are a genuine Christian, with a deep faith, rooted in Christian community and the Holy Scriptures, this will prove most difficult. It will be veritably impossible. For you could no more think of turning your back on your Savior than serving another god. This suggestion should be most repugnant to you, if not near blasphemous. For true followers of Christ, the idea of sacrifice is already imbedded as a core value. Lent should be no different than any other time of the year.

So, if you are not a genuine follower of Christ, why not give up God for Lent?!? Frankly, why not give up on God altogether? It will affect your life neither one way nor another. OR…, you could use this Lenten Season to begin a new faith in God and humbly seek His favor. Sounds odd, doesn’t it? That we should seek the forgiveness and favor of One beyond ourselves.

What do you do to celebrate Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection?

For what it’s worth,

Gary

Putting a finger on Dignity

What exactly is dignity? It’s hard to put a finger on exactly what it is. Some people attach it to position or authority; some to rank or leadership. Others tie it to a civility in a situation gone chaotic. Still others will automatically attribute it to old age and longevity. One’s physical stature may come into play as the respect shown a tall man or statuesque woman. Some beauty projects dignity as well; but not all beauty.

If you would aspire to be one considered to have dignity, allow me to proffer 10 considerations.

Be honest with yourself about yourself. Facades taint dignity.
Be forthright with others, with respectful graciousness. Crass openness is offensive.
Always be considerate of the rights and needs of others. You do not need to win to be right.
Steep yourself in humility before the God who created you. We may be at the top of the food-chain on this planet, but the universe has many surprises in store for us.
Take on the deportment of a servant, especially if you are a great leader of industry. This must be genuine, flowing from deep within your being.
Take on a heart of compassion. Express it tangibly. [James 1:27]
Hold others in higher esteem than yourself.
Do not take yourself so seriously; or your position, or those who laud your accomplishments.
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” [Romans 12:18]
Do not sit in judgment over another unless you are paid by the state to do so.

Genuine dignity is the blending of inner character and external action, without façade, without pretense, seeking only personality integrity and the betterment of others. BE who you have been designed to be without affectation. As we say around here—

Honor God, honor people…, make a difference.

THAT is indisputable dignity.

‘Nough said,

Gary

A Severe Mercy

A Severe Mercy (Harper & Row, 1977) chronicles the autobiographical-journey of Sheldon Vanauken and his wife Jean “Davy” Davis from their first meeting at Wabash College through their 17 years of marriage, much of which they kept secret from their parents. In Severe Mercy, “Van” describes his love for Davy as quite pagan; that is, they made a commitment to share everything with one another, to the exclusion of having children, since childbirth was something they could not share together.

They constructed what they described as the “Shining Barrier” that would protect their love and devotion from all external influences. But that Barrier was “invaded” (Van’s word) by Christ when they became involved with a small group of Christians at Oxford University. Davy was the first to “cross the room” to shift her primary alliance and become a committed Christian. Van crossed over later, albeit somewhat begrudgingly.

Then tragedy struck. Davy contracted a virus in the summer of 1954 that quickly took her life on January 17, 1955. She was 40 years old.

A Severe Mercy describes the agonizing struggle Van experienced after the death of his deepest love, partner, and wife. Through correspondence with Oxford Don C.S. Lewis, Van came to grips with this terrible loss, and learned that genuine Christian faith does not guarantee life-long happiness; rather, it offers the resident presence of the true God throughout all life’s twists & turns.

Throughout our own journeys it is true that all of us will find ourselves in places we never expected. We can prepare for some of them: but others will hit us like a bolt out of hell. Life will seem a flowing stream of pain, recovery, and rebirth. Some of us can pass through this progression better than others. Some of us never quite enter the recovery stage. Rather, we languish and fade in our own anguish.

We may believe, like Van and Davy, that we can erect a “Shining Barrier” of love, or isolation, or stoicism, and insulate ourselves from others, from the outside world, from being hurt. If you’ve been on this earth any length of time you know that does not work. But what does work? What can keep us from being hurt? What can protect us.

The simple answer is—nothing. The hurt, the betrayal, the pain, will all come. But the nurturing of personal identity and integrity, establishing a deep faith in God and growing deep friendships, goes a long way toward providing both genuine safety and security in those times of uncertainty. Remember, “… I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

For what it’s worth,

Gary

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