use things…, love people.

EmPulse for Week of February 1, 2010

Use things…, love people. Of course we all subscribe to this dictum. But when push comes to shove, when budgets are crunched and tensions are high, management tends to flip the using and loving (if there ever was any loving). Fortunately, your everyday guy would never use people…, right?!? Husbands always love their wives: wives always love their husbands. James Redfield’s CELESTINE PROPHESY (1993) aside, perish the thought that anyone in this postmodern world would use another person.

We live in a society where using people and loving things seems to be the modus operandi. Accomplish the TASK, even if you exhaust people to the point of exasperation; they can be replaced. In the same way that computers become sluggish and obsolete, wives are replaced by younger, fresher models, and matured, wizened leaders are supplanted by younger cheaper versions, so the pattern of using people follows the archetype of using, and abusing, things. People have become as expendable as last month’s mobile phone model.

These practices, found in business, in our courts, our banks, and even in our charitable institutions (where only 60% on the dollar actually goes to fulfilling their mission), have decimated the spirits of the North American worker, the fathers & mothers of families, and the leaders of our churches. I expect usury & abuse in business, banking, & governments, but it is not acceptable among those who claim the name of Jesus. Nonetheless, the church is as guilty of loving things and using people as is the rest of our society. Elders grow disillusioned by the ends of their terms, feeling they have affected little; Sunday school teachers burn out because there is no one to fill their shoes; and pastors (or priests) lose heart, switching to auto-pilot; they become firemen, constantly putting out fires, rather than lighting them in people’s hearts.

Should this practice continue, we will, like the preceding three generations, be left with beautiful buildings, well-run programs, and people who have lost heart for serving, any energy to care, and maybe their very faith.

The correction to this predicament is simple—use THINGS…, LOVE PEOPLE. There is nothing you are doing that is worth the life of someone in your care. That is theirs to give, not yours to take. GIVE your life, nourish theirs. In a word—

FEED YOUR LEADERS

Give them something to live for. Make them feel essential to the tasks to which they give themselves. Compliment them on a job well done; offer new ideas on how to be more creative (or, maybe you could learn from them). Listen to them in family conversations. Or, simply, take them out to lunch, for beer, or just drop by their office with some truly great coffee. Learn to love people, genuinely love them, and they will follow you to the ends of the earth. But don’t let them. Guide them to teach others to use things…, and to love people.

‘Nough said.

Have a nice week.

Gary

[Please note: We get to love a brand new person as of last Saturday night. Our daughter Bethany and son-in-law Jeffery gave us James Robert Costigan at 9:15 p.m.]

spreading the wealth around

When couples come to me for pre-marital counseling I give them a list of seven things to discuss before we have our first appointment. The 7 Fs of Marriage— friends, family, failure, finances, faith, forgiveness, & the future. Each individual is instructed to write down their thoughts on each F and then discuss them with their probable life-mate. When we come to the question of finances I ask them to start by considering their answers to a simple question—

What is the purpose of money?

Sometimes I need to provide the history of money—how it arose, came to replace bartering, coin being represented by paper tender, etc. [I get really weird looks when I do this.]  But it is a question most people have never thought through except to answer “to buy stuff.” Duh.

So, what IS the purpose of money? To get rich? Once rich you can buy a lot of stuff:  LOTS of stuff! And then what…, buy more stuff?!? You can buy a Rolls-Royce, a mansion, two mansions, an island, a company, or the control of government in an emerging country (yes, even parts of America). But then what? Money can also make a difference; save lives, fund medical research, feed the poor, correct injustice, build bridges across rivers and between peoples. It can be used for personal gain, communal well-fare, or global graciousness.

Europe and North America have long held the dominant weight of the world’s wealth, with Eastern China rising rapidly to augment this imbalance. National solvency should be an attainable goal; it is an honorable goal. [The US national Debt aside…, if that is possible…, which it shouldn’t be, but is.] Yet it is not as critical as spreading the wealth around the world to peoples who are in desperate need of help. Wealthier nations should be willing to sacrifice for the sake of people in need, regardless of their nation’s place in the global Coliseum.

When it comes to personal generosity shouldn’t each of us feel a sense of need-to-give? The reality is that we do not; we’d rather buy just one more thing, whatever it might be— a movie, another meal out, another outfit, more shoes, a newer car, a second vacation home, computer stuff. Two Latte’s a week from Starbuck’s adds up to @ $375 a year? The cost of an average meal out (for two) is just under $40.00 (incl. tip); that’s about $2,000 a year…, for an average meal! Shoes…, no, not going there.

Isn’t it time for each of us to think about spreading the wealth around? No matter your income bracket, you can give something! Somewhere! Even if you have to cut that second Latte. If you don’t have to cut anything, if you don’t have to sacrifice in order to give…, seriously, why aren’t you giving? Ask God what amount of $$$ He wants you to live on; what percentage of your total income can be spread around to make a greater difference in this world; and with what amount of $$$ He wants you to be purely gracious. Literally.

SPREADING THE WEALTH AROUND helps us discern the difference between what we desire in life, and what we truly require for living productive, fun-filled, gracious lives. Security is not, nor has it ever been, found in stuff: it flows, actually, from an open heart that has learned to trust the Truth, to care for those in need, and to be gracious to any and all.

Have a nice week.

Gary

triggers

Dr, Gary, Davis, Needinc, Clueless, Christianity, Christian, triggers, behavior, revenge, What sets you off? You know…, those little experiences or events that make something inside you go POP! Psychologically, these are called triggers— a stimulus that evokes a response pattern. Triggers have been used intentionally to activate sleeper spies, to provoke an argument as a deflection from the main point, or to tantalize a young lady through a simple touch. Unintentionally, we respond to buzz words (Jesus, @#$%, whatever, thank-you, nigger, jerk, etc), déjà vu situations, anger, aromas, and sounds that draw up recollections pleasant, or not so pleasant, from our past. Triggers set us off. They ignite something within us that changes our behavior for good or ill.

Some personalities explode upon the stimulus of a trigger. Other personality types (most notably, Brits) respond with a greater degree of civility, at least externally. Neither is more/less mature that the other: they are merely factors of personality and cultural propriety. The more “restrained” person merely has learned to put a lid on it, though seething animosity continues to ferment within.

Beliefs are quite another matter. They are the guiding principles by which we manage our lives and perceive the world around us. They tend to be systematic morés, firmly ensconced at the foundation or our being: they are, for the most part, consistent, cohesive, and compelling of the way we live. Here, too, triggers can have an effect. Some external experiences can rekindle our beliefs to become more fervent and play a more dominant role in our lives, like a blatant injustice, or a natural catastrophe, or genuine remorse for real guilt. Other triggers, like an insatiable lust, or desire for revenge, can demolish the connection we have with our beliefs in an instant. Though the beliefs may still be intact, they now offer little comfort or compass to regain our bearings. Triggers, clearly, can have a positive or negative effect on any of us.

But the questions I want you to grapple with through this emPulse are these—

  • What are your triggers? What sets you off? Positively? or Negatively?
  • What does it take for you to get so mad that you will finally DO something and make a difference?
  • If Jesus railed at the market-vendors He found in the Temple and drove them out with a whip, but sat still as a prostitute cleaned His feet with costly perfume, why do you believe you must always respond with the same demeanor to all situations?

Now, if you are content to live a simple, unruffled, composed, calculated, cautious, and calm life, just ignore all of the above. You have other issues to deal with.

Have a nice week.

Gary

Obstinate

EmPulse for Week of January 11, 2010


Definition: adj. Sticking to an opinion, purpose, or course of action in spite of reason, arguments, or persuasion. [http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/OBSTINATE ]

People get stubborn about the dumbest things. That head of lettuce, a parking space, the remote-control, how to turn right, teenage hair color, the order of the Apocalypse, being right about the smallest differences, or, just being right…, all the time. We bicker over the placement of a paper-clip dispenser on a workmate’s desk, the precision of words in a vision statement (adding months of verbiage & discussion instead of action), the reordering of the products in Walmart (after you finally figured out where everything is), and, forgive me, the direction of the spin of the toilet paper roll. Toothpaste tubes are a whole other story!

When will we learn that some things just aren’t worth fighting for or about!?! Here are some things worth fighting for—

  1. Getting a grasp on our personal values and determining the extent that they affect our daily lives and actions.
  2. Finding every person you meet as valuable as yourself and not demeaning them simply because they are different in race, religion, or body type.
  3. Accepting the reality that people, basically, are not naturally seeking to make this world a better place; they are seeking to make it a better place for themselves. Then graciously drawing them to change their minds.
  4. Being the first to seek reconciliation and restitution in times of stress or distance between friends, family, or even nations. Obstinate positioning only leads to bloodshed, be it literal or figurative. Everybody loses.
  5. Believing in God doesn’t make anyone His judge on earth. If you want to do His work on this planet, try working for justice, seeking peace between warring parties, bringing compassion into the middle of hatred or hunger, or providing a vibrant meal for those who despise you. Offer practical care for people who are in obvious need.
  6. Be insistent about teaching ethics in our classrooms. Not just one belief system of ethical behavior, but multiple perspectives. Discuss them openly, without fear of condemnation. Truth holds her own authenticity.
  7. Be willing to call evil, EVIL. Don’t bother with wrangling over its definition; evil also conveys its own authenticity. Name it for what it is. E-v-i-l.  It is as much a spiritual entity as it is a natural one.

If it is in our nature to be obstinate, adamant, dogged, hardheaded, hardhearted, headstrong, immovable, implacable, inflexible, mulish, obdurate, opinionated, pigheaded, stubborn, unbending, unrelenting, unyielding, or just plain willful, then let’s be so about things that matter and leave the toilet paper rolls and toothpaste tubes to the idiots of this world.

Have a nice week.

Gary

2010 on the lam

EmPulse for Week of January 3, 2010

2010 on the lam

On-the-lam—  Popular American slang for “on the run” (19th century.) The root of “lam” is the Old Norse word “lamja,” meaning “to make lame;” the original meaning of “lam,” when it first appeared in English in the 16th century, was “to beat soundly;” from a Scandinavian root meaning “thrash or flog.” The change in the meaning of “lam” from “beat” to “run away” probably echoed another slang term for running away—”beat it,” or “lam it” —  to rapidly beat the road with one’s feet by running, just as sheep do when they smell mint sauce.” [ http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/13/messages/1182.html ]

It sneaks up on you doesn’t it? Time, I mean. Now we’re in a new decade in the 21st Century. How did we get here? Weren’t Y2K, 9/11, & the Gulf Wars just yesterday!?! We’re still in a Recession, right? Unemployment is still up around 10%. And Afghanistan + Iran loom on the horizon are a sure future for many young men and women. These are not the greatest of times for many of us; they are challenging times, difficult times, calling on each of us to draw on deeper resources of strength, wisdom, and finesse.

Most of us live under the pressures of these times on a daily basis. We face decisions about our homes & cars, our futures, our finances, and how we are going to juggle everything and still make a contribution to the world around us. If the truth be known, many of us have stopped thinking about “making a contribution” altogether. When a society succumbs to this mentality it is in danger of thoroughly degrading to the utilitarian, where everyman is out for himself, and human decency degenerates to that of the lowest common denominator. In some ways we’re already there.

So 2010 comes upon us with some degree of ambivalence. This new decade holds out the usual hope that things will turn around and life will get better. But this time, that hope doesn’t feel quite so assured. It shares the stage with fear and anxiety that things just might NOT get better; that this is the new American dream…, or living nightmare, for our foreseeable future.

Personally, I prefer to make things better before they get here. I’m a fighter. As a counselor I have seen so many clients come through my door who have given up—hope, solutions, and even dreaming. Their lives are pictures of despair on dope; they truly do not believe they can find a way out of their living death. There are chemical imbalances that can be corrected in this condition, to be sure; but the real issue is one of persistence and a willingness to fight; to fight yourself, your emotions, your exhaustion, and your lethargy. Believe me, I have lived in those periods of life-despondency where I just didn’t care anymore. It was a long, hard battle to climb out of that self-created hole.

So as 2010 is now in its first full week of the space-time continuum, maybe we should steel our wills to go with the currents of her ebb and flow; all the while, plotting to undermine any attempts to sink us or our friends, or our families, or our faith. Set your heart, your mind, and your will to one of overcoming whatever will come your way. None of us can determine the curve balls that life throws at us. We can, however, decide in advance what our stance, attitude, and response will be to those situations. Entering 2010 on the lam won’t help any of us face the challenges of this new decade with any confidence or grace.

Maybe you can’t decide what your life situation will be in this coming year, or decade. But you can determine who you will be as a person, and how you will respond to life’s little dilemma’s that try to destroy you. And remember, if you have the God of the universe as an ally, there isn’t much the evil one can do to shake your life to crumbling.

Have a nice week.

Gary

weapons of self-destruction—going deeper

Upon further reflection, contemplation, and response to your comments, there seem to be a much deeper level of WSDs than we touched on in the initial article. These WSDs are far more serious and have far reaching consequence. For your sober consideration then… —

  1. Pretending— putting on a façade, playing a role, as if you were in a stage play. Whether this is a façade of faith or the sham of success, it remains, nonetheless, a pretension of life that prevents you from becoming the man/woman God intends you to be.
  2. Believing yourself to be someone you are not. This goes a step beyond #1; for it is not a pretension— it is a delusion, a self-deception that you come to believe as true which is not true. This kind of reality-fantasy, if allowed to continue, can cause a disruption between grasping what is real and what is un-real.
  3. Ignoring observations— Being part of community is essential to lead a life with unambiguous perspective. We all need the commentary, critiques, and compliments of others to gain a clearer understanding of who we are and how we fit into the whole. Balance. Otherwise, we will most naturally grow a higher opinion of ourselves than is deserved.
  4. Embitterment— Harboring resentment for wrongs done to you in the past will devour your spirit, your relationships, and your joy. Personally, the hardest thing I live with is the lack of resolution in relationships. Some, I still live with…, but not with any sense of contentment. Learn to let go.
  5. Fear— What is it that chains your soul to the floor and keeps you from trusting ? Trusting yourself, your skills and abilities, trusting those around you, those you work with…, God? Fear is the great destroyer of hearts, the dungeon of the mind, and the dehydrator of the spirit. I do not treat this WSD lightly; but I know full-well that unless you face your fears directly you will remain trapped within them.
  6. Insignificance— If, in your mind, you are not making a difference, you are not important to anyone, anywhere, and you believe your life is of little to no value to anyone, then you will eventually evaporate into emptiness— a blank page in the history of family and society. If you believe this, then you are truly out of touch with real-reality. NO ONE is insignificant!
  7. Loss of faith— No belief in anything. This naturally (eventually) leads to cynicism, depression, and an extreme sullenness about life.
  8. Living life as if there were no God— Of all the weapons of self-destruction this one (to be sure, there are more) is the most destructive. Faith is, well, a matter of faith, based on belief in historical reporting and accurate recording of events; it is also the response to those compiled coincidences in your life that point to some divine intervention, whether you like it or not. Some people believe there is no god; but it is wiser to live life as if there were, with all the blessings and consequences that belief entails.
  9. Living without relationships— A life of isolation will be a brief one. If you want to destroy your soul drop out of community and tell yourself you can make it on your own…, alone. You are already dead.
  10. Deciding not–to-love— Whether because of an earlier broken heart or betrayal, or a fear of being hurt again, deciding not to love will also destroy your soul. If you are incapable of loving you will most inadvertently become unable to receive love as well. What then is your life but the production of things.

May this list of WSDs encourage you to eliminate them all from your life.

Have a nice week.

Gary

weapons of self-destruction

Dr, Gary, Davis, Needinc, Clueless, Christianity, Christian, We’ve all met someone who seems to have a built-in self-destruct button. They make consistently bad decisions; some of them life threatening. We worry about these people; we try to help them; and, sometimes, we stay as far away from them as possible. Their personal annihilation often drains the life out of those around them.

Much more delicately, however, each of us fabricate our own weapons of self-destruction. Not intentionally, of course, but we do it nonetheless. Here are a few WSDs I’ve observed in people.

·  Over-commitment · Short-changing on sleep · Peopled-out
·  No time alone, down-time · Work is life: life is work · No time for even one friend
· Afraid to adapt, change, grow · Constant headaches · Loss of life’s excitement

There are more WSDs, to be sure. But these are the most obvious to others; if we’re honest, we’ve all sensed some of these signs in ourselves at one time or another. The question is what we DO about them. Here’s my next list for defusing some of these devices and lessening the extent of damage they can do in our lives.

1.       Take stock of your life. Not just a cursory band-aid review, but a full-fledged assessment of who you are and what you are doing. You may want a sounding-board person to help you establish an honest perspective on yourself.

2.       GO TO BED! Sorry, you DO need 8 hours. Talk with your doctor about a sleep-aid if necessary.

3.       For a time, limit the people in your life to a balance of feeders and drainers. i.e.- you need to be fed as you give out.

4.       Get away. Go for a walk (daily, alone), go to a hotel (no TV), get out in the woods…, something.

5.       Create a life that is separate from work. Anything. Take up knitting! Snow-football. Watch-making. Anything.

6.       You have to have at least one friend with whom you are completely safe. Find ‘em, feed ‘em, laugh with them.

7.       Start by brushing your teeth differently, then shift from boxers to briefs & vice-versa. Try doing something completely unusual for you. Hug people you’ve never hugged before. Smile at your enemies; send them gifts. Anything!

8.       Headaches are our body’s cues that we are pushing too much. [Some people can push more than others.] Go to a medical doctor and get some perspective…, and some proper medication.

9.       If nothing in life excites you any longer you are in the grasp of some form of depression. You need to talk to a professional counselor, psychologist, etc. more than anything the loss of a zest for life will destroy you. DO NOT let this WSD run its course.

Remember, it is never too late to regain your equilibrium in life. Our Creator did not make us to fall apart; that’s our doing. Let Him help rebuild your life into something remarkable, full of life, and maybe a little outrageous!

Have a nice week.

Gary

curious leadership

EmPulse for Week of December 7, 2009

Leadership in times of stability, predictability, and prosperity is a lot of fun. But that is not when leadership is most critical. It is most critical when times are unstable, uncertain, and people are facing the loss of their livelihoods and homes— like in wartime, or in a depression, or, now.

It is in times like these that men need to become men of honor, whether we feel like it or not. It’s called rising to the occasion, doing what’s right, taking on the mantle, etc. Most of us find it easier to cast blame than to create a solution. Women, likewise, need to stand up and become involved in LIFE. Not just business, not just child raising (which men must take on just as whole heartedly), but the deeper issues and fabric of life. Women lead with a perspective that men cannot fathom; we are fools to proceed without their take on life’s issues.

To lead in dismantled times we need a certain mix of curious ingredients or our strength will grind to powder under the churning. Here’s my list of what great leadership will need in uneasy times.

  1. Time to ponder—If we are caught up in too many daily issues and decisions we lose perspective on critical issues. Leaders need perspective; and that means time alone to think, to wonder, and to strategize a course of action.
  2. Trusted followers—We need people to whom we can delegate responsibility (along with commensurate authority) of important tasks. Then walk away from them, trusting those tasks to honorable hands.
  3. A rock-solid core—Know who you are. Be certain of it. If you’re not sure, then your leadership will falter.
  4. A true friend—Some people I know do not have one person they can count on no matter what. How do they ever make it through life!?! Find someone to trust and trust them unreservedly.
  5. Forgiveness—Be able to genuinely forgive those who’ve betrayed or wronged you. You cannot move beyond it if you don’t. Don’t let resentment devour your heart.
  6. Be quick to say you are wrong—If you are right all the time something must be wrong. You get the point.
  7. Consultants—Yes, consultants. Def.- People smarter than yourself who are not in your shoes. Surround yourself with them! You need some people who will tell you the truth.
  8. A higher risk-level—It’s rough being the one to make the tough calls. New commitments, people to be let go, compromises, expenditures on the uncertain. Yeah, that’s what leadership does. Get used to it.
  9. A deep, quiet, secret life of prayer—If you’re doing any of this without God then you are amazing! You are not alone, though; many Christians do amazing things without God. I wonder what it might be like if we both trusted God more for the truly difficult decisions in life? Spending more time with God, alone, isn’t going to do any damage.
  10. Ask yourself one question at the end of the day—“What did I do today that truly made a difference?” The more days you can look back and see the great things you have accomplished, the more assurance you will have that your leadership is needed in this world. Keep it up.

Please feel free to add to this list… .

Have a nice week.

Gary

Cognitive Dissonance

In 1957 social psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed the theory of cognitive dissonance after the publication of his book When Prophecy Fails, observing the counterintuitive belief persistence of members of a UFO doomsday cult.

“In psychology, cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling or stress caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a fundamental cognitive drive to reduce this dissonance by modifying an existing belief, or rejecting one of the contradictory ideas.” (Wikipedia)

Oddly, we live in an era wherein cognitive dissonance is embraced as normative. Facts do not have to reflect reality; truth is personalized and resident in each individual, specific to their experience alone. Your truth does not have to be my truth. Those truths can be contradictory and both held as “absolute” for each individual. Sadly, contradictory “truths” can be held in conflict within one individual with seemingly little concern for their conflicting juxtaposition.

This has led to many individuals shifting realities. When one reality begins to feel less that true, that is the cognitive dissonance grows too large, people merely shift into another reality where conflicting truths or facts can be held in opposition more comfortably.

This is nuts!

People who live in this cognitive dissonance for long periods of time begin to develop a form of personality disorder that slowly eats away at their core values and their ability to perceive reality (“real reality”, as Francis Schaeffer coined in 1963) accurately. Their worlds become fanciful fantasies to avoid the admissions that they may be wrong about…, well, just about anything.

People would rather live within this pathological play-ground than face the real world around them and admit they can’t always cope. It’s a form of self-preservation, self-protection, really. And there is nothing wrong with anyone trying to protect themselves from the onslaughts of postmodern stress.

God understands this. He offers an alternative solution to this reality-shifting— a place of safety “in” Himself. Is it so difficult, for the Christian or otherwise, to truly trust in the God who made them and accept that shelter of safety He provides?! As long as evil flourishes in this world Jesus Christ’s atonement will be necessary for all. I know I need it.

What do you do to protect yourself? Where do you feel safe? What is the basis of your significance? Please, get with the program. You’ll feel so much better.

Have a nice week.

Gary

insightinfusionimplications

Dr, Gary, Davis, Needinc, Clueless, Christianity, Christian, insight, ideas, Edison, It’s in those frantic, life-is-too-full periods of life that flashes of insight come to us more frequently. Granted, having an incredible insight while sitting on a beach as tropical breezes blow over you is the preferred way of receiving an insight, it is more likely that they will hit you when you are too involved to take note of them. So much has been lost to human innovation due to a loss of a momentary insight that might have cured the common cold, rid the world of political positioning, or developed a galactic hyper drive. Carrying pen & paper (PDA, SmartPhone, voice-recorder, etc.) with you just might save the world.

Insights are wonderful things; they spark the imagination, solve problems, create new realities, gadgets & industries. They move the human race one step further away from the cave. Some people seem to have more insights than others:  they are people who are always imagining— imagining different ways of doing the same things. The wheel comes to mind, as does language, the alphabet, the printing press, the assembly-line, the computer, the internet, and deciphering the dynamics of cross cultural communications.

There are serious implications for people who receive an infusion of insights. [Not for those who came up with the Slinky, the Barbie Doll, or the trashcan for chewing gum.] For theirs is the responsibility to invent and utilize their day-dreamed devices in ways that benefit society, & the world’s peoples. But how does one go about the responsibility of bringing their insights to invention and usefulness? Here are some ideas—

  1. Surround yourself with other insightful people. You probably do this anyway, but if you don’t , well… . Working alone will never carry your idea to fruition.
  2. Find practical people who know how to make things work!  For example—  clever assistants (like mine…, and no, you can’t have her), lawyers, financiers to back the development of your idea, marketers , and patent officers that will protect your idea.
  3. Get used to rejection and failure. What was it Thomas Edison said about the light bulb? He hadn’t failed 10,000 times; he just learned 10,000 ways how not to make a light bulb. You know Post-it Notes, Velcro, the Hamburger—they all took decades to catch on. So be willing to admit it when you don’t quite get it right. Now try it again.
  4. Learn patience.
  5. Believe in what you are doing. Find people who believe in you and in your idea.
  6. Don’t let it consume you. Remember to breathe, spend time with family & friends. (I find that creating 2-3 new ideas at the same time provides me with more balance & reality checks than working on one all consuming idea.)

Remember what Jesus said, “For to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.” (Luke 12:48)  Create wisely, with gusto; enjoy yourself while you’re at it.

Have a nice week.

Gary