EmPulse for Week of April 25, 2011

You don’t know that you don’t know

We are living through one of the most trying times I have ever known— watching the slow deterioration of my mother’s mind. Dementia. At 96 years old, her body is in incredible shape. Physical therapists say she is the strongest person, at this age, they have ever tested. Orthopedists tell me her bones test at the same density as a healthy 26 year old. Physically, she is in great shape. But she doesn’t always remember who I am, or my sister, or my wife…, or even who she is, or where she is, or the time, or the day. Her only life-markers are the daily newspaper and meal times; and she gets them confused constantly.

She doesn’t know that she doesn’t know.

In the study of the brain, medicine has created a schema for measuring a person’s ability to grasp and retain information— The Four Levels of Cognition.

• You know that you know.
• You know that you don’t know.
• You don’t know that you know.
• You don’t know that you don’t know.

There are far too many of us glibly gliding along, oblivious to or avoiding the existence of certain realities that someday will overtake us. We do this, conscious of our actions, as a form of self-preservation, self-protection. We hide our insecurities from ourselves and from others. Not that we should lead with our left foot, displaying our weaknesses as a means to gain sympathy; but because we do have some responsibility to be true to ourselves and others.

Some of us know that we are living conflicting private/public lives…, but we have no idea of how to break the bonds of the apposition. So we remain in bondage within the façade. This is a serious, life-threatening condition. Talking with a close friend may not be sufficient, especially if you have carried on the charade for a long time. You should find someone totally outside your network of friends in whom you can confide— completely. Not a lover or a drinking buddy, but a well-balanced psychologist, a spiritual director, or a seasoned life coach. (Like me.)

Still others of us have been so beaten up by life that we are now afraid to risk anything that might put our heart or livelihood in jeopardy. We cannot stand the idea of being hurt even one more time: we cannot fail at one more job. We don’t realize that we have more assets built into us than we can conceive. In the immortalized words of Yoda, (The Empire Strikes Back), Do, or do not. There is no try. You can do more than you think.

Finally, there are some of us, too many of us, who live convoluted, deep-surface lives. We are ignorant of our failings, our offense to others, and even of our own self-esteem. We think too highly of ourselves because we never think to ask anyone else how we interact. Conversely, some of us crawl through our days under a black cloud, never sensing the gifts that God has bestowed upon us; thus, we never try. Anything. We are unaware of who we are and of the capabilities we have been given. We think we have a grasp on life, on everything about life; but we are self-deceived. There is no more frightening thing in life than a person who has no idea about what he/she is talking about, or doing, and is cock-sure they are right.

Please, take time to connect with yourself, with the people around you, and with the God who made you. There is no more critical knowledge in life than to gain an accurate perception of who you are, where you fit, and where you stand before your Creator.  Know that you know. You know.

Have a nice week.

Gary

EmPulse for Week of April 18, 2011

Trust me all in all…, or not at all   -Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)

Alfred Tennyson, Baron I of Tennyson, was Britain’s Poet Laureate during much of Queen Victoria’s reign (1837-1901). He is best known for his heroic poem The Charge of the Light Brigade, and numerous other quips that remain to this day.

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost…, than never to have loved at all.”

            “Theirs not to reason why; theirs but to do and die.”

            “The old order changeth, yielding place to new.”

Though not of noble birth, Tennyson, fourth of 12 children, was educated well by his father, a country Rector in the Church of England. When just 17, Alfred and two of his older brothers, Charles and Frederick, published their first collection of poetry. At Cambridge, Alfred was awarded the Chancellor’s Gold Medal for one of his first pieces, “Timbuctoo.” Quite an accomplishment for a young man of twenty.

The quote I’ve chosen, Trust me all in all, or not at all. bears some scrutiny. Is it possible to trust someone partially? Obviously, trusting someone to perform open-heart surgery on you does not make her/him just as reliable when it comes to valve stem replacement on your car’s engine. Nor does a good lawyer necessarily make an equally good confidant or counselor; though we often use them as such. Trust is restrained within the relationships of expertise and proficiency. We do NOT buy our gasoline from the Good Humor Man—so far. In a world where peace negotiations are channeled through arms dealers, who knows!?!

No, Lord Tennyson’s challenge concerns the nature, breadth, and depth of trust between individuals. When you are asked “Do you trust me?” what runs through your mind? He has to ask? Are you kidding? I don’t know you that well yet. Or, of course I trust you. Trust is not blind, oft referenced as blind-trust, where the character of one individual elicits implicit trust from the other with little hesitancy. That kind of trust is best reserved for our relationship with the God who made us. Amid human interactions, trust comes after a significant period of observation, of experiences of follow-through, a track-record of trust, etc. To be sure, trust often is instantaneous in a crisis (you’re hanging to a limb in a raging flood) or on a battlefield (another soldier drags you, wounded, across a mine-field to safety). But generally, trust must be earned. And earned again. And again. Betrayal is no small matter when a trust relationship is broken. It is a knife to the heart.

As you move through your days, weeks, and life…, through family relationships, business associations, supervising subordinates and inspiring those around you, remember Tennyson’s clever witticism. Trust me all in all, or not at all.  It simply comes down to— Am I trustworthy? and, Do I know how to trust another… all in all?

Have a nice week.

Gary

EmPulse for Week of April 11, 2011

leading in isolation

Most of the leaders I know express the sentiment that it is quite lonely at the top. Though they are entrusted with the most critical of decisions, they feel isolated from both those who have decreed their directives and those who must implement them. They have few confidants. They have few trusted friends in the workplace, or in parallel endeavors. Sadly, the patterns of isolation they have established at work are brought home: they are evident in remoteness from family responsibilities, events, and relationships. Wives become work: children seem an additional demand on time and energy. There is no rest anywhere in sight. Somber introspection, or alcohol, or an obsession with sports, ensues. Or worse. [These descriptors are not as true of female leaders: they face quite a different set of issues.]

For some, this isolation can result in suicide. For most, it means a life of silent fears and covert alliances, calculated relationships and constant, constant secretiveness. It eats away at a person’s soul to the point of despair, death, and a forlornness that overshadows all other activities. These are truly the living dead of our society—the six-figure shells who are the corpses of our corporations, governmental committees, and churches.

We have killed ourselves.

How is a leader to break the bondage of such insidious isolation? My list—

1.      Try Trusting—yes, it is dangerous. You have been betrayed. Try again anyway. Choose your confidants carefully.

2.      Feed your Soul regularly—no one on earth is going to care about you. Start with that assumption. Then find resources (books, people, mountain retreats, ocean houses) that both provide you with a relief from the daily grind and refortifies the spiritual/emotional/psychic bolstering of your soul. NOT once a year! Monthly, even weekly for a while, if necessary. You are useless to others ‘till you do this.

3.      Be Yourself—the time for acting in the role of leadership is over. BE the man God made you to be—no more, no less. This is so freeing I cannot tell you what it has done for me! NO MORE GAMES!

4.      Set REALISTIC GOALS—do not set grandiose goals because they look, well, grandiose. People want realistic leaders who live in the real world. Board members want CEOs who will tell them the world is their oyster. They are dreaming. DO NOT lie to them; tell them to get real. The same goes for shareholders.

5.      Inspire People—these are not the best of days. Don’t count on them getting better any time soon. You want a team who know you are on their side. They will work their fingers to the bone—because they believe in you, not the job, not the company (or church), but you. Even Jesus dwelt among us.

6.      Lead from the Heart and the Head—our society needs leaders, not managers. What’s the axiom? Managers do things right. Leaders do the right things. ‘Nough said.

7.      Do NOT be afraid to admit you are Wrong: Do NOT be afraid to admit you are Right, either. FIGHT for what you believe in!

Leadership can be very, very lonely. Sometimes I feel like it is just me and God against the world. How naïvely stupid of me! God would never leave me out there alone. How ‘bout you!?!

Have a nice week.

Gary

____________

EmPulse for Week of April 4, 2011

What’s Wrong with the World?

In mid-1907, the Times of London invited a number of eminent philosophers and writers of the day to contribute their thoughts on the question—“What’s Wrong with the World?” A brief contribution was quickly penned by one of the most celebrated writers of the day—

Dear Sir:

Regarding your article ‘What’s Wrong with the World?’

I am.

Yours truly,

G.K. Chesterton

What a bold, all-encompassing admission. He did not try to pass the buck, deflect, skirt the issue, shade the truth, or place the blame somewhere else. He merely admitted his culpability in the collective corruption of the moral conscience of his culture. He was to blame. Of course, the inference extended far beyond his terse retort. Chesterton implied quite clearly that we all are at the core of what’s wrong. Either through inaction or passive aggressive behavior, we all stand in the dock for our role in the wretchedness of our civilization.

Understand that this undoing of our social order is not merely about a loss of moral consciousness. It encompasses a span from the loss of manners, courtesy, simple decorum, and civility to a respect for basic human decency, an honorable regard for human life, and the understanding that we each have a responsibility to make this small planet a better, safer place for future generations.

So why is it that so many of us have such a difficult time acknowledging our own botch-ups in life? Are we so insecure that we must be right all the time? Are we not allowed to forget something important a little too often? When was the last time you remember being perfect? My last time was in late April, 1987. Since then, not so perfect. But I have honed my skilled in apologizing, in admitting when I am wrong. Not to my surprise, people have been actually appreciative of these endeavors. Maybe I’ve learned something?

Still, our world feels like it’s going to hell in a hand-basket. Social niceties, like opening a door for a lady, have been supplanted by some dumb idea of equality. [Although why women would ever want to be equal to men still eludes me. What a step down!] The world at large seems torn into rifts of East & West, intentional racial/ethnic inequity, Islamic tribal rivalries (Sunni/Shiite/Sufi), and conflicting terrorist ideologies; not to mention the inevitable decline of Western economic rule giving way to emerging Chinese supremacy. These early decades of the Twenty-first Century are not witness to mere paradigm shifts: we are reshaping the future before it has yet to be formed.

You can view these times as catastrophic, calamitous, collapses of the world as we’ve know it. For so it is. But it is also a time for us to rise to the occasion to make a difference. We do not have to be perfect; we just have to act on our convictions of what is right, and good, and decent. I leave you with a quote from one of G. K Chesterton’s most collegial adversaries—

This is the – true joy in life, the being used for a purpose… being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

– George Bernard Shaw

Have a nice week.

Gary